Helicopter Parenting

He had been a behavior problem since the beginning of the school year. Finally, after a particularly egregious act, his teacher gave a punishment meant to get his attention: one full week without recess. She wrote a note to the parents explaining their son's infraction and consequences, hoping for cooperation and support from the home front. She was to be disappointed. At lunch time the next day, the mother appeared at the classroom door. She took her son out for lunch and did not return him to school until recess was long over.

The little boy got the message loud and clear: no matter what he did, he could count on his parents to shield him from the consequences.

Believe it or not, this is a true story. This type of occurrence didn't happen frequently, but in my 20 year teaching career, I saw my share of overprotective parents. They were the ones who turned a deaf ear to anyone who dared to voice concerns about their child. At the first sign of trouble, they would rush to the child's aid, even going so far as to interfere with consequences the child faced. A term has been coined to identify this "hovering" behavior-Helicopter Parents.

They start out with the best of intentions. They want to protect their children from the pain they perhaps remember experiencing in their own youth. Their hope is to provide every opportunity for their child to experience only happiness and success.

Great intentions, but not especially wise. Pain and disappointment are tools God uses to mature us. Without them, we will be immature and incomplete (James 1:4).

Another portion of Scripture discourages the idea of helicopter parenting as well: Galatians 6. "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ... for each one will bear his own load." The two Greek words, frequently translated as burden and load, sound similar in English. However, the original Greek words actually hold two separate connotations. A burden is almost always used in a negative sense, for something particularly oppressive and overwhelming. It is too much for one person to bear, which is why Paul encourages a sharing of the load. In this particular context, a brother has sinned and is looking to be restored. Falling back into that sin can be avoided through the active support of the Christian community. They are not helping him avoid consequences. They are helping him to avoid a repeat performance.

On the other hand, a load is most often used to describe a burden due to a duty or obligation. Christ assured his followers: "My yoke is easy and my load is light." Most responsibilities are meant to be borne by the individual. There was a real sense of individual responsibility in the New Testament church. Paul wrote the Ephesians that each one "must labor, performing with their hands what is good" (Ephesians 4:28).

There are oppressive burdens we need the support of others to overcome. But this does not release us from individual ongoing responsibility in responding correctly to our circumstances. If we release people from accountability, we create an opportunity for them to illegitimately view themselves as victims when negative consequences for their actions occur. This is unhealthy and can lead one down an ultimately destructive path.

The same is true in raising children. Yes, you are your child's advocate and protector. But be careful how quickly you come to their rescue. Stop and pray for wisdom before leaping to their defense. Allowing them to circumvent consequences may well be robbing them of an important life lesson. As C.S. Lewis once stated, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Pain is an effective tool in God's capable hands. He uses it to teach us responsibility, perseverance, and to give us a healthy, realistic self-image. Most importantly, when we are in pain, we look to God, bringing our relationship with Him to ever-deepening, more intimate levels.

Pain isn't always bad. Sometimes it is just hard. And the truth is, hard is often quite good for us.

"God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:10-11

Quick Update

Very good news, everyone… apparently my injuries are not as severe as the doctor first thought. I will NOT have to have surgery after all!!! While the knee is not in great shape with severe arthritis and several ligament tears, the damage can be managed with therapy. The doctor switched me to a flexible knee brace and I begin therapy next week. What a wonderful relief. The Lord did some major healing during the past week. I can barely believe the difference.

Thanks to the many of you who prayed for me. Hopefully in 6 weeks' time, I will be back to normal.

Snow Fall (literally: A Fall in the Snow)

It was a snow for the record books. Measurable snow is rare enough in Maryland, but especially so in December. My daughter measured 23" as the last flakes fell. We were all thrilled and eagerly looked forward to a rare white Christmas.

The morning after the storm, I rose early to walk the dog. She had missed her walk the day before, because the roads were impassible. Now in the early morning light, Sasha and I managed to get down to the end of the driveway due to a heroic shoveling effort on Steve's part. Several cars had already navigated the road and there was a trail of packed snow to walk on. Sasha and I picked our way carefully down the street.

It was not an easy walk, but the dog seemed very relieved to be out and about. My gaze barely left the ground at the beginning. I soon became more confident as we got further and further from home. The air crackled with cold and smelled of snow. Everything in sight wore a covering of white. It was a beautiful morning.

As we neared the end of the park, suddenly my front foot began to slide. I struggled to remain upright to no avail. Down I went, in a less than ladylike manner, one leg straight out front, the other bent beneath me. As I slid toward the ground, I heard a *pop*pop*pop*pop* coming from my bent knee. I knew I had done some serious damage if the roaring pain was any indication. There I lay in the middle of the snowy road, immobilized. The dog, being the sensitive soul that she is (ha!) ran in circles around me, urging me to get up so that we could continue our walk.

This was not the first time I had injured my knee. After a series of injuries in my high school and college days, I had corrective surgery in 1983 to tighten ligaments and repair the damage to my kneecap. The therapy was excruciatingly difficult, especially working to get the bend back after being straight-legged in a cast for six weeks. Then we learned I was expecting Daniel. As the weeks wore on and Daniel's impending arrival became more and more evident, I ended up giving up on therapy a bit earlier than advisable. I never did get full bend back in the knee, although I was walking normally once more.

So the same knee bent under me in the fall had not actually been fully bent since 1983. Now as I lay in the snow, I was unsure that I could walk. Yet the prospect of continuing to lay in the freezing cold on the deserted road held little allure. It took some effort, but I managed to get myself into a standing position. Gingerly, I shifted my weight onto the bad leg. It held. I began the long hobble home.

After a laborious trip including two other-doggie sightings (at which Sasha demonstrated her usual frenzied reaction), we rounded the corner and sighted our house. Home never looked so good. Steve was still shoveling, so I called to him for assistance. He rushed to help me up the hill and into the house.

I made it to the couch and did not move for the rest of the day.

By Monday night, my lack of progress and continuing pain convinced me to see a doctor. He had me try to lift my leg. I could not make it move at all. It appears the tendon which attaches the quadriceps muscle to the kneecap is ruptured. He sent me for an MRI, and we have a second appointment on Tuesday to discuss surgery options. It is looking to be a long January.

So we had an unusual Christmas this year. I sat in the recliner, barking out orders in queenly fashion. My boys manned the kitchen and provided an excellent breakfast brunch for all of us. The whole family gathered around the tree and exchanged laughter, fun, and wonderful gifts.

I am learning how to accept being served. Harder than it sounds for this mom! My best friend Beth came over on Christmas Eve to vacuum and dust while the rest of the household was at church. Steve has faithfully made meal after meal and has served me without complaint. Each of my kids has run little errands for me, becoming my feet, traveling up and down the stairs and even out to the grocery store. I am eternally grateful for the sacrificial love they have all shown me over the past week. Even though I get frustrated with my lack of ability to do ANYTHING, my cup runneth over.

If you have made it this far on this lengthy and overly detailed account, thank you for your patience!! I'll update this blog when I meet with the doctor on Tuesday.

Faithful in the Least Things

D.L. Moody once said, "There are many of us willing to do great things for the Lord, but few of us are willing to do little things." We tend to evaluate responsibilities in terms of importance and prioritize accordingly. But the reality is we will spend most of our lives doing what we probably would deem "unimportant."

These tasks may seem unimportant to us, yet I wonder if that is how God views them. Certainly Scripture does not put importance on one kind of service over another. For example, when Paul wrote about the spiritual gifts, he is careful to point out that no gift is more important than another. Every member of the body of Christ is essential. Jesus taught that in the kingdom, the last will be first, and the first, last. These two concepts apply to acts of service as well.

Colossians 3:17 urges us to consider every action as something to be done in service for God. "Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus..." From scrubbing a toilet to teaching a Bible study, God invites us to serve Him with our efforts.

It is not easy to keep a servant's heart in the day to day routine. Yet our faithfulness in the mundane is an excellent opportunity to demonstrate obedience. Our determination to live each moment as an opportunity to serve God will be a light to those living in the darkness.

Arthur Stace, from Sydney, Australia, was that kind of faithful. After living a corrupt life in the streets as a drunk and a criminal, in 1930 he gave his life to Jesus Christ at a church mission. Two years later, he heard a sermon that captured his imagination and passion with a single word: Eternity.

The Lord put it on Arthur's heart to write "Eternity" all over the city of Sydney. Each morning, he would be up before dawn, wandering though the streets. Every 100 yards or so, he would stoop down and write "eternity" in copperplate script with a crayon. Year after year, Arthur was faithful to spread his simple message. He wrote it an estimated half-million times! Thirty-three years after his death, that word remained an inspiration to Australians.

On December 31, 1999, the eyes of the world were on Sydney via satellite television as the first major city entered the new millennium. As the countdown ended, fireworks erupted over the harbor. There on the bridge, the word "Eternity" was lit up in copperplate script for the world to see! One little man had a huge impact by remaining faithful at the simple task God had given him to do.

Our dedication to God will be revealed in how we deal with the small things we are called to do. J. Gregory Mantle, a preacher in the 1800's, once wrote: "It is far harder to live for Christ moment by moment than it is to die once for Him; and if we wait for great occasions in which to display our fidelity, we shall find that our life has slipped away, and with it the opportunities that each hour has brought of proving our love to the Lord, by being faithful in that which is least."

We live around people who are living in darkness. God has called us to be light. Doing the "unimportant" things with a happy heart and a servant's attitude will speak volumes to those who are watching. "You are the salt of the earth . . . You are the light of the world . . . Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven." Matthew 5: 13-16

Go Ahead and Pray for Patience

Have you ever heard or even said yourself: "Don't pray for patience. God might give it to you." In all honesty, I sometimes qualify my prayers. I don't want God to disrupt my life with pain or trouble. So I carefully pray not only for a blessing, but how specifically I want it accomplished. Essentially, I struggle to trust God to do the best thing for me. I am underestimating the goodness of God.

Jesus knew this was a human tendency. So after telling his disciples to ask, seek, and knock in their prayers, he reminded them of God's goodness and desire to give good to His children. "What man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish; he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him?" (Matthew 7:9-11) God delights in doing good things for His children, because He is good.

A friend of mine committed herself into a mental health facility very recently. She was struggling with suicidal thoughts and feared herself capable of doing bodily harm. Her doctor urged her to put herself into a safe environment. It has been over a year since she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This is a woman with a true heart for God. Even now, while presently in excruciating emotional distress, she has determinedly placed herself into God's capable hands, waiting for Him to use her illness for His glory. No medications as yet have stemmed the wild up and down emotional roller coaster she is on. She continues to wait.

It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer. In my prayers for her, I instruct God on how He should act. It is time for the suffering to end, I inform Him. She's been through enough. Once again, I am doubting the goodness of God.

A God who is good will only do good for us. But it is challenging to believe in that goodness in light of the suffering and terrible things that happen to those that love the Lord. How can these things be good?

Maybe we need to rethink our definition of good.

A psalm writer named Asaph found it necessary to do just that. At the beginning of Psalm 73, Asaph perceives good as health, wealth, and security. Therefore his faith in the goodness of God falters as he sees the wicked flourish while godly people struggle. Then, in the middle of the psalm, Asaph has a eureka moment. His conflict abruptly comes to an end when he enters God's presence. "Then I perceived their end," he confesses.

Until the middle of the psalm, Asaph thought of goodness in very external terms, as many of us do. But as he comes face to face with God, he understands he has missed the truth. God's goodness must be viewed within the reality of eternity.

God is all about His relationship with us. His desire is to draw us into a close, intimate bond. One way He does this is through trials and various struggles, because prosperity breeds independence. The success of the wicked had actually hardened their hearts toward God. They had become proud and arrogant. This independence would cost them a great deal, especially in light of eternity.

In the end, Asaph finally concludes the struggle has brought him good. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever... the nearness of God is my good." Asaph has redefined good at the end of his psalm. It no longer means health and wealth. He now understands that intimacy with God is the greatest good, and it is this God has in mind for His people.

To understand the goodness of God, we must look beyond ourselves and view reality as our eternal God does. Elisabeth Elliot put it this way: "He makes us wait. He keeps us on purpose in the dark. He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for He has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in." Whether we know it or not, the best thing (the greatest good) is to be in a close relationship with Him. God sometimes chooses to accomplish this through the struggle.

A Perplexing Book

My latest project involves a study of the conversations between Jesus and women. Many of these conversations at first glance seem odd at best. Why would Jesus compare a desperate mother begging his help to a dog under the table? Why did he force the woman with the issue of bleeding to admit her illness before a large crowd—an illness that made her unclean to the rest of society? Why did he act in such seemingly insensitive ways toward these and others?

In my research I have been blown away by what I have found. To examine the culture and historical background of the first century as well as scriptural context brings a whole new light on what at first perplexes the reader. I am excited about what I have discovered. But it took a lot of work and a whole lot of thinking!

My seminary professor, Ken Quick, likens the gems we can find when we dig deep into scripture to the best cookies, located in the kitchen pantry. “Reading through scripture at a cursory level gives a certain level of knowledge and understanding,” he said. “This reward is like Lorna Doone shortbread cookies, available on the shelf at eye level and easiest to find. But if you want the chocolate macadamia nut cookies, the really good stuff, it’s not an easy reach. You must grapple with scripture to glean the deepest truths. The best cookies are located on the highest shelf. But the richness of your reward is worth the struggle.”

The Bible is not an easy book. I’ve often wondered why God sent it to us as he did. Why are those verses about restricting women in church there? Do they still apply to today? What about divorce? Is adultery the only clause that frees a person to leave a marriage? Theological controversies have rocked the church over the centuries as scholars have attempted to interpret the Bible correctly. For example, there are verses that imply free will and a choice in salvation while others describe predestination and election. How can both be true?

Why is the Bible so hard to understand?

We wonder why God did not make the Bible a simple list of do’s and don’ts, as well as list a systematic theology that would leave no room for questions or controversy. However, a look at Hebrews 5:14 sheds light on why the Bible is not so easy to interpret. “But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.” The mature man, by this author’s description, is a thinking man, who has gone beyond simplistic black and white answers to thoughtful and wise discernment.

Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate at the sound of a bell. A baby learns that if he reaches for the hot stove, he will get his hand slapped. So he keeps his hands to himself. While these behaviors are appropriate responses to the environment, they are not signs of a mature mind. Until a person can learn to discern or think, he will not be able to make choices in life that will allow for his survival. We need the ability to think, discern, and apply the truth we know to any situation.

The same is true in our spiritual walk. It is God’s desire for us to move beyond simple black and white pat answers to wise discernment. So he gave us the Bible, sometimes complicated and challenging-- by design. Elisabeth Elliot observes, “He did not spare us. He wants us to reach maturity. He has so arranged things that if we are to go on beyond the “milk diet” we shall be forced to think.”

His goal is to ultimately shape us into the likeness of his Son, who is the flesh and blood expression of God. He desires his children to bear a family resemblance. Our struggle with the Word of God is a means toward that end. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” Paul wrote the Romans. “Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The Simple Woman's Daybook, October 5, 2009

Outside my window...the cool of autumn has arrived. I love autumn. So much, in fact, that we decided to go with autumn colors for our new living and dining room!

I am thankful for...home. I have been away all this week with the exception of one day. First I traveled up to Camp Berea in NH to spend a few days with my very dear friend, Nancy. One of those people who can finish my sentences. It was a sweet time of fellowship, staying at my new friend Barb's lakeside cabin. Once I got home, I had about 24 hours to prepare for a retreat with my home church, for which I was speaking. After another wonderful weekend, we finally arrived home Sunday afternoon. I'm so happy to be sleeping in my own bed again.

I am thinking...God is so faithful. I loved my time of sharing with my church sisters on the seasons of our relationship with God. We had such great discussion and open and honest sharing. God met us where we were, as He always does.

From the kitchen...today I will grocery shop for the first time in weeks. Mel and I are starting Weight Watchers again, so we need to load up on vegetables and fruit. 20 lbs. by Christmas??

I am creating...or recreating a whole new chapter in my book this week. I was stumped on how to progress and my former professor Jon Master gave me the direction I needed. The chapter is actually written, but I am redoing it this week according to his advice. I can hardly wait to get going. Between the redecorating and travel, I've barely written at all this month.

I am going...to stay home this week and WRITE.

I am reading...The Liberty in Obedience by Elisabeth Elliot.

I am hoping...to begin to hear from some publishers that are reviewing my two manuscripts soon.

Around the house...we have a leak in our plumbing under the kitchen sink. Steve can't find it. The contents of that cabinet are now spread out all over the kitchen floor. Augghhh!!

One of my favorite things...seeing the leaves change. I miss New England colors, but enjoy the fall here in Maryland to be sure.

A few plans for the rest of the week: write, write, write!! I am also getting ready to teach a new Bible study for women from my church on Monday nights. I'm excited about that, especially in light of the fellowship we enjoyed together over this past weekend!! I also plan to go back to Curves after a month-long absence. Time to start working on those pounds I gained while sitting and studying in seminary!

Hope your Monday is awesome!

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